Birthday + Drama = Shitty Day

So yeah today is my birthday.. October 29th. It's nice to have my birthday so close to Halloween so I can make dress-up parties and so... That aside for now. This blog entry is mainly rambling and venting out my feelings so if you don't want to read shitty whining, stop right here.





October 29th. My Birthday. I always have tried to enjoy my birthdays. I took the day off from school so I can sleep and then go to shops to get the groceries etc for my birthday parties on Saturday. And yes, parties. I have two parties; one for family members and one later for friends. Yet today was absolutely horrible day for me. One of the worst ever I believe.

I got woken up at 10.30am or so by my grandpa calling me that he had found a car that was on sale and he wanted to buy it for me because there are some problems with my current car. I said that I want to see the car and then think about it. So 30 minutes later my grandpa called for me to come to their place and see it. The car was nice and in good condition but really not what I needed. I have made myself clear ages ago that I need a car with enough space for my dog to be at the back and also spacey enough because when I go to conventions with it, I need space. All in all I need an estate car. And well... I'm bad in telling out my mind when it comes to grandpa... so after a test driving and all we went inside and this whole time I had been frowning. Then inside I called my mom and after that call I finally found courage in myself telling my grandpa that I don't want the car. That it didn't suit my needs.... My grandpa then called off the buying and said farewells etc with the seller and after he was gone, he pretty much exploded on me. He said with loud tone that he wouldn't search a car for me and that I would need to search it and pay for it on my own since he claims my current car can't be fixed that easily. And I want you all to realize that ever since the phone call on the morning, I felt anxious. Around my grandpa when the things include money, I'm always anxious, scared and really unsure. I don't want to be there. Because my grandpa gives me all the time expression that to him money is all in all. This makes me really anxious since I owe him over 1000€ because I had to ask for loan from him for living and everything and I actually broke down when he had erupted at me. It made me feel like a mistake. That I was a stupid brat he never wanted as a grandchildren. Of course, I didn't cry before them... I just went home with my dog.

Well that was only the first happening... Some good happened in the middle, around 1pm. My grandmother from my dad's side (the grandpa from the morning is from my mom's side) asked me out to have a lunch with her so we went out and talked and all, ate. Then I got some birthday money from her and we didn't hang out more than just 45minutes because she had to go home to make food for my cousins (she lives with them). It was nice to be with her, she is always so calming and warm.

Well then, around 3pm or so I asked a friend over since I got this random idea of having pictures taken of me and Sisi since I don't have many good photos of me with her. And she complied and came after some time. Between that time I visited some stores to get decorations and everything for my birthday. The stuff cost so fricking much because I wanted to put some effort into the decoratings and everything... which made me spend the 40 euros I got from my grandma and also the 70 euros my grandpa had given me as a sponsorship for my birthday... So basically I spent 110 euros on food, decorations and also the stuff I need for making the cakes as I have a vision in my head of what kind of cake I want... I though that I would manage but I was left short on by 20 euros or such so I'm missing some chocolate for the cookies I'll make and also some decorations that I really would want... And I know, this sounds really stupid but for a person who really didn't have many true friends as a child and whose 11 year old birthday turned out to be a fiasco (no-one came except for family members), I really would like to celebrate and have amazing time on my 20th fricking birthday with the amazing friend's I've made in the last couple of years. ---

 <--- This was at the store I bought the baking stuff from and I was damn amused. A fricking Elsa-ball and snowflakes. Also there was a full shelf of Frozen bday stuff beside that. 

--- Around 4pm I came home and just quickly made myself look presentable for the upcoming quick photoshoot and then hung out with my friend for 2 hours or so, having out dogs play around and had some fun (aka talked shit of ppl).

Then after she left, I left for the store (to get the food since I had only gotten decorations and baking colors earlier). I spent 40 euros on food and soda etc on the 'cheap' store Lidl and then went to buy few missing products from another market... As I noticed I was short on money, I called my mom's side grandmother to ask her how angry grandpa was or so...

And then I asked if they would possibly somehow lend me 30 euros and that I will pay it back. Heck, I have promised to pay my debts back but that's not easy for a student who lives off on student loans etc and can't really do work at the same time. My grandpa then sounded really upset and was asking "Did you have to buy all those decorations?" and "Are you even acknowledging how much you've spent on this party?" and then there was "Mph fine, how much do you need? Is there a possibility you could do the party without those?" and it all made me fee really bad and shitty and that they though my party wasn't worth of putting some money into (for your knowledge, my grandparents have money so this isn't about them being poor). So I just told her "Whatever... I'll make up something.. Bye" and ended the call. Yet all this made me feel really bad and nervous and upset and I broke down in the middle of the store.

I had to call someone... and at that point, the only person I could call to and cry to through the phone is the only person who really loves me in this world no matter what... My mother.
I asked with weak tone if she somehow really could loan me 20 euros for the missing things. And I really hate to call my mom for money or talk about my money problems to her. I know she isn't doing that well either as she has my youngest brother and her fiance to feed and everything... I felt like the worst person ever.
I went to some empty place in the store and told her everything and cried and I even confessed that I wanted to die at that point. I really did. I wanted to cut myself or drive overspeed under a truck or just take overdose of my medication. She tried to soothe me and talk about how my grandparents have been like that always since when they were small they couldn't life off like we do now and they are trying to teach me that.
 I said I know they didn't have things as good as we do now and I know I should try to survive on my own but really... I know my mental health can't deal with studying and working at the same time. I've tried. I really tried to work while studying and it affected me greatly. My depression got worse and I had more anxious attacks and panic attacks than usually.
Then when she asked if it's okay for the money to be on my bank account by tomorrow, I said it's alright... She also had explained how it's hard on them too right now (my mom's fiance's mom died few nights ago) and then I just broke down completely. I apologized to her and said how I don't want to call her about my money-issues and how I know they are financially having rough time and how bad I feel whenever I ask money from my mom. This is because she really has rough time sometimes. I even explained how I'm more open to ask my grandpa for money because I know they have money and also I can pay it back to them slowly, even if it takes years or such because of my studies.
After some more opening up to her and all, we closed the call by her telling me to take a shot or a drink at 10.50pm because I was born into this world at that time. She told me to take water if I don't have anything else or such.

She got me to smile. I love her. I love my mom so fricking much. Even in my darkest times, she got me to smile. 

Though as I was in really sensitive state, I cried the whole way home and often thought to make a car crash or just kill myself...These thought came from many stuff I was going over in my head. I kept telling myself how I'm a mistake, a failu, a good for nothing, How no-one wanted me, I make people embarassed of me and that I'm a huge nuisance. How my life is only a fucking big disappointment and waste of air, time, money and love. How I don't deserve to be alive and how I have lost everything. I kept thinking how I have nothing to lose anymore. I know I have Sisi, but I also know my mom would take super good care of her. So really... I have nothing to lose. Even now I think my future is pitch dark and even though I keep joking how I'm in the "middle-age" right now at 20 years, I know deep down those weren't just jokes. I really though so. That I won't live longer than 40 years.

At home I calmed myself slowly down. I took a long shower, made some food and took pictures of cat and kept petting him. I have friend's cat over for some time after all. His name is Cornelius and he is a true gentleman and heart-snatcher. After eating I decided to make a blog post about my day. Of my failure Birthday. Of the day where I was really on the edge to hurt myself and even end my life. Yet be reassured. I haven't hurt myself in any physical way. I only hurt from inside because of my thoughts. And I'll let you know why. I still have hope in me. I have hope that maybe, just maybe I am able to start hormone therapy in January and finally get forward with my gender reassignment stuff. I keep holding onto that thread of hope and refuse to hurt myself. Because the doctors told me that they want to see that I can control myself and keep things calm for a longer period. Aka no hurting myself or trying suicide. I can't stop the thought from coming but I can stop them from turning into actions. And I believe that every human thinks about that stuff every once in a while. Even though given my recent condition, I get those thoughts pretty often. But I can keep them under control. I have to. 

All in all the day was really shitty one. But there really was some good things in it too.

So I'd like to thank every person out there who remembered / checked my bday from facebook and congratulated me today. It made me smile every time someone sent me a message on facebook or on twitter.
I also want to thank my friend Nina who hung out with me for a while and had a brief photoshoot with me.

And last and MOST. I want to thank my mother. I love you. I love you so goddamn much. The words can't describe how much I love you and how much I appreciate that you are here for me and that you listen and help me. I love you mom and I never want to let you go. 

And now, have some pictures.

 <-- My 20th Birthay shot, taken at 10.50pm. Lime, salt and of course, booze. Tapio to be exact as I didn't have Koskenkorva or Vodka. Happy Birthday to me. 

 <-- I got up for one minute and Cornelius took my seat

 <-- he is a good therapy cat

 <-- my bed hair few days ago